When Living Becomes Performing: A Wake-Up Call for Parents
What I Witnessed in Paradise That Made Me Physically Sick
We finish dinner at our beautiful resort in Punta Mita, Mexico, and our boys want to throw the football on the beach. So we grab the ball and walk down to the stunningly beautiful water’s edge—it’s dusk, a gorgeous sun is beginning to set, there’s warm ocean water lapping at our feet.
My husband starts throwing the football with our boys—12 and 10 years old—while I wade into the warm water. My youngest son notices a hammock nearby and takes off running toward it. I follow him, and we settle in together for a sweet moment.
Swaying between two palm trees, we are relaxed feeling the ocean breeze, but right over the edge of the hammock, I see three beautiful teenage girls—probably 14 years old—engaged in clearly practiced posing for the lens of their smartphones. Some of the poses are a bit seductive, squatting, sticking out their chest, pushing out their bottom. These girls have all the same moves, like something you'd see in a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model documentary.
There's one mom present—taking photos—and each girl has her own smartphone, taking selfie after selfie after selfie. It is obnoxious and quite frankly, sad. They take the picture, they look at the picture, and zoom in. They take the picture, they look at the picture. The mom takes a group picture, then all the girls run up and look at the picture, and zoom in. Then they retake it. Then they look at it again. Rinse and repeat.
Meanwhile, my son runs off from the hammock to join his brother playing in the ocean. They're splashing, climbing on rocks, throwing the football, and being great friends. My husband and I take a quick picture—smartphones aren't all bad, they’re great for taking pictures or capturing video of our boys we can all watch when they're older—to ‘remember when’, to look back on these sweet moments of them playing so innocently. A quick photo or video then back to what matters most, the lived experience of the moment.
But these three girls? Still taking selfie after selfie after selfie after selfie...
The Contrast That Broke My Heart
Here's what got to me: My boys are 12 and 10—they don't have smartphones and they're not getting one until at least high school. They don't even have iPads, so clearly they're not on social media, rather they are in the moment. While these teenage girls are trapped in their obsessive-compulsive loop, my kids are living. They're present. They're connecting with each other, their beautiful surroundings and genuinely enjoying life.
Meanwhile the teenage daughter makes pissy-looking facial expressions at her mom. "Ew, I don't like that. Take that picture again," sometimes teary-eyed because she doesn’t look good enough. Meanwhile, her two friends are off taking picture after picture of each other, and nobody is even noticing the stunning sunset.
The sky is a magnificent variation of colors—shades of pink, orange, and blue toward the top. It's a gorgeous night. We're at an exclusive resort in paradise, and these girls are self-obsessed with their own image.
At one point, I wanted to say, "Ladies, you're beautiful, and the best, most gorgeous part about you can't be captured with a camera lens. The best part of you is your heart, your mind, your ability to connect with your friends, be kind to your mom, and breathe in this beautiful moment."
But I didn't, because I could tell the mom was already slightly uncomfortable, caught in her own internal tug-o-war of wanting to stop this and yet also very much committed to the cause of getting the "perfect image." She would occasionally look back at me, sheepishly. Part of her seemed to know she was enabling a very unhealthy, obsessive behavior, but she also seemed weirdly caught up in it, telling her daughter how to pose seductively like her friends and demanding her daughter retake yet another photo—it just wasn't good enough, I guess. By the way, each photo looked identical to the rest so I'm not sure what they saw as they zoomed in on their image? They were never satisfied though because I believe they were seeking to feel good in their own skin—these selfies clearly couldn’t provide what they longed to feel.
The Science That Explains What I Saw
What I witnessed wasn't just "kids being kids." Research from the University of North Carolina shows that adolescents who habitually check social media experience actual changes in their brain development. Their brains become "hypersensitive to feedback from their peers" over time.
Dr. Jean Twenge's research reveals the devastating timeline: "Around 2011, 2012, I started to notice changes that were bigger and more sudden. More and more teens started to say that they felt left out or that they felt lonely." This coincides exactly with when smartphones became ubiquitous.
The data is staggering: teens reporting depression doubled between 2011 and 2018. Now nearly half of all teens say they're online almost constantly.
What Happened Next Made It Worse
I see my boys are getting carried further away by the current, and it's getting darker, so I jog up the beach to keep them in eyeshot. We wash off our legs and return to our hotel room. While my boys excitedly play in the novel outdoor shower, I step out to breathe in the ocean one more time before calling it a night.
I take the short walk down to the waters edge—it's dark enough now that I can see the girls' camera flashes as they continue taking selfie videos of themselves walking on the beach, twirling around arm outstretched with the flash of the camera lens directed at their face ‘appearing’ to have a good time. But as I got closer it was evident they were NOT having a good time. Each was in their own world with their smartphone video recorder, they weren't even interacting with each other. They seemed stressed in their obsessive state of getting the right picture or video.
Nearly two hours had passed since I first noticed their selfie-marathon. Hours of obsessively taking and checking and retaking and rechecking photos. Not engaged with each other. Not talking—except for the young girl talking horribly to her mom, treating her almost like a servant ordered around to take more photos.
There was no connection, no enjoyment, no presence. Not only to each other, but to their surroundings. No real-life awareness of the present moment. It was completely unembodied—like they were disassociated, disconnected from their bodies, fixated on getting the "right" photo for social media so people could see what a great time they're having.
But the energy surrounding them was empty and a bit miserable.
The Moment That Made Me Write This
It felt like an elephant sitting on my chest. It weighed so heavy on my heart that I had to step out on the balcony of our hotel room and dictate this story just to clear my mind so I could then be present with my family.
Here’s what hit me: This is a broken, fractured experience of the teen years. This isn't living—it's presenting. It's performative, yet it's void, empty, shallow, and sad.
Here's what breaks my heart most: Some parents think they're "boosting" their kids by helping them create content and build their online presence. But actually they're robbing them of building a real life—one that sustains them with an inner sense of value and joy that leads to true contentment and a meaningful, fulfilling life. We should encourage our kids and teens to live life, not just perform it.
What I Wish That Mom Had Said
"Girls, you're gorgeous. Ten photos is enough. Let's go hang out. Let's go walk on the beach or grab a shirley-temple together. What was your favorite part of the day? What brings you the most joy these days?"
I wished she had engaged them for who they are, not just focus on how they look. I wish she had encouraged their budding independence not just from her but also from their digital devices by saying, "Why don't you girls run off and hang out together? I'll take your phones—just be here now and enjoy the moment, because these are precious moments, and each of you is precious."
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for taking pictures—in fact, I love them…but does anyone need more than one to three photos of the same scene? I wish people could take one picture and move on to enjoy the moment—it is the only moment we are guaranteed and then it's gone. It's the experience that makes a life not the image, not the performance put on for the world to see. Being in the moment, rather than performing it is what literally builds who we are as human beings.
If this mom could have set this boundary with love, that would have been a great mom moment.
The Reality We Need to Face
Your children are in the most pivotal years of brain development, which translates directly into their personality development, sense of self, self-worth, relationship patterns, how they recognize emotions, emotional regulation, and how they show up in the world.
When we allow—or worse, encourage—this digital performance as their primary way of being, we're not preparing them for success. We're setting them up for a life where their worth depends on external validation from likes, shares and comments rather than their own internal knowing of who they are—their sense-of-self and self-worth.
Think about it: Would you rather raise a child who can be fully present in a beautiful moment, or one who can only experience life through a screen? A child who finds joy in authentic connection, or one who's constantly performing for an invisible audience?
What You Can Do Starting Today
This isn't about becoming anti-technology. It's about being pro-childhood, pro-development, pro-authentic experience.
Start here:
Delay smartphones as long as possible. Dr. Twenge's research-backed advice: wait until they can drive.
No digital devices in bedrooms, period. Buy them an alarm clock.
Create sacred phone-free spaces. Meals, car rides, bedrooms, and family time.
Notice your own behavior. Are you modeling presence or performance?
Encourage real-world exploration. Sports, arts, nature, reading—activities that build them from the inside out.
The Choice Is Yours
I walked away from that beach knowing I'd witnessed something that violates everything we know about healthy human development. But I'm sharing this story because I believe in your power as a parent.
You can choose to be the adult who says "enough." You can protect your child's developing brain. You can prioritize their authentic experience over their digital performance.
Your child will thank you when they're an adult who can be present in beautiful moments, who knows their worth independent of others' opinions or 'likes', and who can form relationships based on genuine connection rather than curated content.
The question isn't whether you can afford to make these changes. The question is whether you can afford not to.
Ready to start? Tonight, try two phone-free hours before bedtime. Notice what happens when your family actually has to look at each other. It might feel awkward—that's normal. The return to authentic connection is worth it.
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About the Author
Dr. Carrie Mackensen brings 25 years of clinical expertise as a psychologist and real-world experience as a mom. With a Ph.D. in Individual, Family, and Child Psychology, she combines evidence-based strategies with practical insights that parents can actually implement.